Southern Hospitality

When I hear the phrase "southern hospitality", I think of a pitcher of sweet tea, slicing bread and serving it on floral plates with mason-jar jam, bringing warm blankets to be piled atop a freshly-made bed, offering extra toothbrushes and mini toothpaste tubes and limitless re-fills of lemonade.

But more than being stocked with extra bread and toothpaste and blankets and tea, more than making sure our guests are fed and warm, is making sure our guests are celebrated. It would be easy enough to open the door and say "there's food in the fridge and the guest bedroom is clean". That would be decency. Hospitality however, is celebrating their arrival, prodigal-son style. Hospitality is throwing a little party of love, celebrating their being here with us, celebrating them. We want neighbors to feel comfortable, of course, but so much more importantly we want them to feel valued, that their presence is wanted and enjoyed, celebrated. 

And although hospitality is not at all exclusive to the south, I am very proud of southern hospitality. As if me bopping around my apartment with friends, oh so generously saying "you want food? I have mushrooms and canned corn" is representational of the entire southern region of the United States. But Oh, as I have AGED (that's right, I'm almost twenty, a grandmother of four) I have come to recognize, or rather envision, another, more holistic, and very necessary form of southern hospitality. 

In many ways the term southern hospitality, in both the past and the present, is hypocritical. It's an ugly truth that while serving sweet tea and warm bread to one neighbor, we have massacred, enslaved, ridiculed, and rejected another neighbor. And obviously, that's not what southern hospitality is. That's not what any hospitality is. 

For us to practice true hospitality, it's not enough to just show basic kindness to our neighbor, it's not enough to just care for the base needs of our neighbor, and it's certainly not enough for us to just not act violently towards our neighbor. If we're going for true hospitality, we must first welcome, then celebrate our neighbor. With our open doors and warm blankets and hundreds of little toothpaste tubes we must say, we are so joyful you have come, let's celebrate together. 

This true hospitality counters what is perhaps the most popular definition of southern hospitality. True hospitality isn't exclusive, it not only accepts but celebrates guests who most often have been entirely excluded from the faux hospitality. And what a wonderful thing to strive fervently for! True hospitality isn't a charity, it's a gift, a gift both to the guest and the host. 

So party it up! Celebrate! Know your presence is valued and cherished, know that shamelessly and proudly, know you are unconditionally valued, then pass that on! I am so joyful you have come, shall I wash you a mushroom? 

Divine Imperfection

I hope heaven isn’t perfect

Or else it might be hell

For its minor inconveniences

That make the world go ‘round

In heaven be there untied shoes

Weak coffee

And cold soup

In heaven be there

Public loos

That sometimes, angels over-use
In heaven may I not be

So surrounded by such lush

I hope there is some wetish grass

starchy crackers

Scratchy cloth

I hope they turn the AC up

A little bit too high

So shuffle fly we all around a shiver and a sigh

May heaven please be seedy, just some places at night

Lest we forget the thrill of thy old flickering street light

And when we yearn for earthy trials

We pray they aren’t too far

The gas be low the light be out

That holy, cloudy car

And for my sake and everyone’s

I hope our hearts do break

When lovely glances some sweet angel

Don’t reciprocate

They say that heaven's perfect

The word is cheap and no

It’s heavenly we know for sure

Perfection isn’t so  

Raise a Rebellion

Nature/nurture aside, it's undeniable that parents and teachers help form a child's personality. Funny enough, my best teachers, the ones I think most effectively led by example, that perhaps I learned the most from, are also the ones I disagree with the most. Some of my strongest opinions are in direct opposition with, sometimes even formed in response to, the opinions of authority figures I most admire.

I'm not one to rely too heavily on the existence of coincidence, so I don't think this phenomenon is all chance. I think these mentors are doing something right. I wasn't being brainwashed, as far as I could tell, far from it. These teachers, along with books I read and the art I consumed didn't discourage me from doubting, questioning, objecting, and maintaining a fiery tendency to resist anything or anyone that tried to stop me from doing those things. And I think it's important we don't forget how valuable a child's disobedience is.

It's often fruitless and noisy to point a vague finger at "society", state our displeasure, and move on without really pinpointing the problem and considering a solution, so I'll try to be more specific. I'll say....... it's the structure of our school systems, or maybe....... what we value most as a western culture in the early 2000s, or....... maybe it's the pressure coming from I-don't-know-where-exactly on parents to raise wealthy, socially notable kids, blah blah blah, whatever it is, kids are being raised in ways that undermine their creativity, over-value their ability to sacrifice play for work, and squelch their disobedience.

There is one area in which obedience can't be valued enough, and that's the child's safety. We should and must communicate to kids how imperative it is they trust us when it comes to their safety. By no means should we imply that's it's ok, for example, to skip putting on the seat-belt in the name of preserving "that natural fire of disobedience". No, goodness, that's not what I'm saying at all. But that is where it gets tricky. It's obedience for obedience's sake that's toxic, but how do we draw the line between obedience for obedience's sake and obedience for safety's sake. Young children can't tell when they're being told what to do for the sake of their safety vs. for the sake of just because, surely they don't even know such a difference exists, all they know is they're being told what to/not to do. Telling them why we tell them what to/not to do could help, but especially with the younger ones, that might not make much of a difference. Better they go along with it all, than possibly not go along with the most important demands, the ones concerning their safety.

I'm certainly no professional educator or childcare provider, but I assert that excessive and over-use of control and demands of obedience would exacerbate this problem of safety. A child who sees no reason to be forced to walk in a stick-straight line in complete silence on her way to the cafeteria is less likely to look for the reason in being asked to hold hands when crossing the street. Once a child learns that adults like obedience for the sake of it, she'll no longer assume it's best to abide and doesn't know to make a distinction between necessary vs. excessive demands. At the same time, it could be said that a child who isn't used to abiding by rules in general could be less likely to abide by rules when it matters. I really don't know.

Another obstacle in this same vein is that for disobedience to be disobedience, the action has to be in opposition with something the parent or teacher or whoever has stated. But how can we let a child know that one form of disobedience, not holding hands when crossing the street, is not ok, while another form, talking in line, is ok, without directly saying so. Make the punishment for the dangerous offense serious and solemn, but the punishment for the trivial offense equally trivial? Maybe a simple "stop talking" vs a grabbing hands, kneeling down, making eye contact and saying "that is very, very, dangerous, do you understand me? Never do that again"?  I don't know, maybe. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.

With that said, I know it's easy to get wrapped up in the administering of constant, empty orders. Again and again I'm overwhelmed with frustration when the kids I'm babysitting continue to make a mess with their dinner, or persist with pleas for more dessert, or take every single toy they own out and "forget" to put it back, or vehemently refuse to go to bed. And if it's frustrating to me, it's a hundred times more so for the parent. In the name of not raising a brat, these things should certainly not be given an easy pass, but they shouldn't keep frustrated and concerned parents awake at night, or frantically re-evaluating their successes and failures as parents, or doubting the character of their children. Instead, they should feel relieved. Congratulations! You're not raising a complicit robot! Take a breath.

All in all, while still maintaining strict rules of safety, let's not strip our younger generations of their edge. Let's not forget a little disobedience can lend itself to radical, un-afraid benevolence. Let's re-watch Alice in Wonderland and indulge in a little 'madness'. Next time I'm babysitting and inevitably being met with some opposition, I'll say something like "no, clean it up or we won't have time for a book/movie" but I'll think "never let anyone take that away from you".

Here's to the beautiful, eccentric mess of raising/teaching/being there for little rebels, may you and yours never be too orderly.

Finally

   I have been reborn into Generation Z, and I have a shocking confession. Three days ago, late on Friday night, I watched Mean Girls for the very first time. Not for the first time all-the-way-through, not for the first time with good audio, not for the first time in awhile. I watched it for the first time, ever. If you asked me how I liked it, I'd show you my google search history from today (you'd see "Mean Girls themed home decor" searched multiple times).

I watched it alone, on my laptop, through earbuds. My roommate was sleeping. I'm surprised I didn't wake her with my laughing and "mild tearing-up".

What took me so long? Was I avoiding it because it's so mainstream popular? Heck no, I wouldn't deprive myself of deservedly well-liked work like that. Was I scared it wouldn't live up to the hype? No, I knew it was in good hands (Tina Fey). Did I forget it's something I needed and wanted to do? No, it was definitely on my radar. I was saving it. I knew I would never be able to watch it for the first time twice, so I was hesitant to use up the experience. But on Friday I was suddenly hit with an impulsive and burning desire to finally watch it, and I'm so glad I was.

I was amused and moved and astounded that it could be so wildly popular, hold such larger-than-life cultural relevance, but still be so personal. I felt like being a fan of this movie could be "my thing" while still being "everyone-in-my-generation's thing". It's not just my generation either, of course. It's a high school tale that reaches easily beyond the age group that makes up the world of the movie. And it's truly incredible how melded into pop culture it is. Before I saw it, I knew all the big quotes, I knew "you go Glen Coco" and "on Wednesdays we wear pink" and "you will get pregnant and die" and "get in loser we're going shopping" and "she doesn't even go here" and "I'm a cool mom" and "I'm a mouse, duh" and "raise you're hand if you've ever felt personally victimized by Regina George". I knew all these quotes and I knew they were from Mean Girls, I just didn't know the context. That's eight quotes I knew from a movie I'd never seen. I don't even know that many Star Wars quotes.

Earlier today I read an interesting article on Catalogue Magazine's website (you can read it here). I liked the article's mention of someone describing Mean Girls as "nutritious and delicious", richly entertaining and undeniably meaningful. The article also gave a brief description of the general plot, followed quickly by an assurance that although it's main characters are high schoolers and the plot revolves chiefly around high school, it is in no way a typical high school "chick flick". I was struck by this because although it is indeed a story of high-schoolers, in high-school, complete with locker-hallway scenes and a pretty-girl squad, it never once even occurred to me in the slightest, in my three days of ruminating over it, that it could ever be described as "a high school chick flick". I'm confident I don't even need to back that up either, you likely agree. It's deservedly and universally recognized as an American Classic, and I finally feel I'm a less oblivious member of my generation and heck, nation.

At the end of the movie, there was a little voice in my head that whined "nooo, why'd everything  have to be so perfect, why are they all cool and happy and hunkey-dorey, why couldn't there be some dramatic, unresolved falling-out or lasting tension or maybe Cady's tragic demotion to loserdom?", but that voice is a complaining, confused cynic. The end of the movie never demands that everything is hunkey-dorey, or that the problem of cliques is thereafter resolved (remember the new plastics, the juniors)? Instead it's comforting, reassuring. It says "hey, some problems do resolve, they're allowed to resolve". Just like the plastics, the trials that seem so permanent and absolute at the time aren't made of stone. Like plastic, problems, insecurities, and high school reputations can all break, thank goodness.

On one hand I certainly regret not seeing it earlier, but on the other hand I think I watched it at a good time; not before or during high school, but right after it. Watching it now put into lovely perspective the knowledge that in high school, and in general, trials don't all stick, some really are just plastic. Plus, it was fun to see actresses I knew from later works in an earlier movie. For example, I'd seen Lindsay Lohan in The Canyons and Just My Luck, Amanda Seyfried in Mamma Mia and Les Misérables, Lacey Chabert in Elevator Girl and Anything is Possible, and I hear Rachel McAdams does car commercials......in Japan.

Humans Part 2

"Humans are different because they are the only species that can engage in storytelling and abstract thought"

There's a phrase you can't say while looking in a mirror. You'd have to look yourself in the eyes and accept the inherent arrogance the sentiment reeks of.

I'm probably being too harsh. This idea comes from a place that wants only harmony, and peace. When people say this, they mean to be poetic, sure, but more accurately they mean to unite all humans. "We may have different beliefs and different lifestyles, different politics and passions and religions and backgrounds, but we all share the human-exclusive capacity for storytelling. That is what unites us all. So let's love one another".

But what does it say about humans that we must be superior to any other species in order to even consider loving each other? It's not just this context either, war unifies countries internally, angry parents unify typically quarrelsome siblings, and harsh teachers make for good friends in any given class. We find unity only with separation, with an 'other' present, an 'other' party, an 'other' individual, an 'other' species. It's no news that humans often assume communities that don't operate like their own are inferior. It's one of our favorite mistakes to make.

Maybe if/when the presence of life is discovered on other planets, all Earth's species can love each other. I suppose that's what it would take.

Not to mention, it's embarrassingly ignorant to assume non-human species are incapable of storytelling and abstract thought. As it turns out, the Earth isn't the center of the Milky-Way. What a shock that we rotate the sun. We can't imagine anything outside our realm of understanding, anything that doesn't happen how we assume, or that isn't like us. 

Why does there have to be water and oxygen on other planets for life there to exist? Just because our bodies happen to run off H2O and O2 doesn't mean 'aliens' couldn't use other elements. We can't walk in another creature's shoes for our dear lives.

Chill out McKensie, you're being absurd! I mean, for example, giraffes can't go up to each other and discuss the after-life or recount the birth of their children. You're absolutely correct. They can't, in any way that us humans are able to recognize, understand, identify, or even imagine. Just because we need H2O and O2 doesn't mean other-wordly life does. Just because humans use specific gesticulations and certain types of language doesn't mean all Earth-dwellers do. There's so much we don't and can't know. More on that here :)

We think storytelling makes us better than the 'others'. More loving. More wise. But if anything it exposes in harsh light our limitations in love and wisdom.

What's wonderful is that we're working to become a kinder society, in many ways. We're making an effort to adapt our ever-evolving language to be more inclusive. But in our noble efforts to unite ourselves as the human species, we have sometimes further separated ourselves from other animals. Why do we need to be different, better, or superior than someone else to love? There's enough love, we don't need to be so picky. For a species that uses Earth's resources in such quantities, we have a hard time using our love for universal unity.

Strangers on a Plane

  Let me set the scene: You're standing in line in the terminal. Somehow terminals are always arctic, the crisp gush of central cooling hits you and you fumble with your cross-body bag to un-tie your sweatshirt from your waist (you're stylish, btw). You're near the back of the line, C group, as usual, because you never check-in in advance and don't know how to, and if someone were to have that knowledge, they would hopefully feel free to comment below and share. There's finally some movement, you're making your way through the terminal. You approach the entrance, a flight attendant smiles and welcomes you, you turn the corner and gaze, overwhelmed at the options. You're C group, so you'll be sitting in the middle, between the aisle-seater (A group), and the window-seater (B group). But which aisle-seater and window-seater you sit between is up to you. You know what you're looking for. No laptops, the "business-trippers" don't converse (they're usually scrolling through excel sheets and/or listening to podcasts). Anyone with a kindle is probably just gonna sleep. You know to stay the heck away from any guy reading Men's Health Magazine. You want someone with a cross-word puzzle, someone drinking bottled Minute Maid, someone reading the safety placard! 

Plenty people I've spoken to on the subject say they don't care for mile-high smalltalk. Awkward and stuffy as it can be, I can't get enough. 9/10 times, well maybe 8/10, I de-board planes disappointed. 8ish/10 times I leave having made not one new friend, not having had a stimulating, fascinating discussion with an interesting stranger, not having taken some sage nugget of wisdom from a mysterious and wise row-mate. And you'd think a little row-bonding would be inevitable. We're in the sky. Together. Looking out over whatever state/country we're flying out of/into. Looking at the sparkling sea from miles up, seeing dime-sized houses and crumb-sized trees. Yet oftentimes the extent of passenger interaction is a half-awake offer of hand sanitizer. A few times, though, I've had some pretty cool interactions.

Once I sat next to a woman we'll call Ann. For the better part of the flight, we sat in silence. I was in the middle. Ann was to my left, by the window. Another lady sat to my right, she didn't leave much of an impression. A baby near our row started crying. The lady to my left said something about the baby sounding hungry. Ann bookmarked her John Grisham novel to agree. She was a pre-school teacher, she explained, she worked with babies and young children all day. Thus our conversation commenced. Together we laughed about the difficulties of opening the bag of peanuts "The 'tear-here' tab! Where's the tab!" she'd exclaimed. She shared with me her analysis of her love-life "I'm too child-like" she said "Honestly I act like a toddler, not a girlfriend". She told me about the times she had during her friend's recent bachelorette party (don't worry, it was very tame), about her memories of summers at her grandparents house, how the remote never worked "inevitably!" she'd laughed. I got off that plane with a new connection, a fleeting but valuable friendship.

Another time I sat next to a mom who's daughter and boyfriend were sitting in the row across from us, and about whom the mom told me more than the daughter would surely have liked. She told me about how long they'd been dating, how close the boyfriend was to the family, how she never thought she'd agree to let him come with her daughter on a trip but here they were! She even told me how he asked her daughter to prom "He made a bath-bomb from scratch, with some letter-thing in the middle that she only saw once it dissolved that said 'prom?', isn't that adorable?" Yes, you go dude. 

Yet another time I sat next to this cool young couple. They were chill and cheerful and traveling with infant twins. They let me hold their kids (one at a time), which was a win-win for the parents and me. The husband was across the row so he wasn't always a part of the conversation. The mom told me about how he was pursuing an online degree. She proudly explained to me how hard he was working and how well he was doing. She just smiled and loved on whichever baby she was holding whenever he/she (they were opposite gender twins) got fussy. She asked about me and listened and talked about her twins. We waved when we saw each other leaving the gate. 

"Inevitably!", you'll be disappointed, most of the time. But chances are, your row-mates don't want to read "Southwest the Magazine" for the entire flight either, and you never know who you might get to know. It doesn't have to be a group soul-search session, "what's your biggest regret-go!" doesn't have to be your opener. Just take a break from your ear buds and comment on the book they're reading, or ask for some help with 22 across, "Who directed Citizen Cane?", or notice they're drinking cran-rasperry kiwi Minute Maid and agree with them on how underrated it is, then let the conversation lift off. 

Mermaids, Fairies, Elves, and Humans

First of all, a disclaimer. Here I am, an *adult*, and you'd be hard pressed to convince me there aren't mermaids and fairies out there, cleverly hiding themselves from humans. I think to assume they don't exist simply because we can't see them is, in it's own way, arrogant. Perhaps we're not the all-knowing species we think we are. In fact we surely aren't. The same goes for Sasquatch, elves, aliens, and all the forms of God's creatures we haven't yet "dreamed up".

What puzzles me though, is why are we, why am I, so fascinated by these "mythical" beings. In nearly every culture (that I know of), there are tales of these creatures, there are websites and organizations dedicated to keeping files of alleged sightings. Qualified researchers risk public ridicule to research them. Everyone's fascinated, whether in a child-like or academic sense. But why?

The first answer I could think of is: because they are unlike us. Humans are by nature fearful of and fascinated by the unknown. It's natural that we're intrigued by these beings that seemingly differ from us so greatly. But I stand corrected. I'd assert that we're really fascinated by these creatures because they're like us. What's more fascinating to a human than a fish? A fish with a human brain and upper body. What's more fascinating to a human than a butterfly? A tiny human with wings. What's more fascinating to a human than the thousands of unique and beautiful forest creatures? Wild humans with more hair and more muscle. We're simply obsessed with ourselves.

Why is a fairy magical and a fly a nuisance? Both can do things we aren't, and never will be, able to do. Both live and think in ways we'll never know about, ways we can't even fathom. In fact, the fly's way of life is far more foreign and unfathomable to us than the fairy's. Why is a mermaid mystical but a goldfish simple? We know more about how a mermaid would think than we'll ever know about how a goldfish does, because we share a brain with a mermaid. Then shouldn't the goldfish be the greater mystery?

Being like us is what gives mermaids, fairies, elves, and Sasquatch their magic, in our human eyes. And in the minds of most normal adults, these creatures probably don't exist, yet we still know far, far more about their minds than we ever will of the creatures we deem so commonplace.  If I were to tell you I think flies are sentient, and I do, you would probably think I'm being a little (or a lot) ridiculous. That's how in our heads we are, but we will never know what a fly is thinking. No matter how advanced and marvelous and wonderful our technology and scientific knowledge are, and they are all those things, they will always be from the perspective of a human. Every thought every brilliant, genius human has ever thought, has always been a human thought. And every thought every brilliant, genius human will ever think, will always be a human thought.

We marvel at an animal's intelligence when he/she does something human-like. But animals (that aren't human) could, and surely do, hold non-human intelligence as well, intelligence we will never be able to identify, imagine, or even fathom, because every human, in this life at least, has only ever been human. Perhaps a lizard looks at a human and marvels at her intelligence when she does something lizard-like, or perhaps the lizard is thinking a thought I could never comprehend in my most creative, human dreams. I'll never know.

Even when we attempt to measure the intelligence of a given species, we are basing their intelligence on what we, humans, deem to be indicators of intelligence. It'd be like measuring someone's mathematical intelligence on their performance in a history class, if we'd never heard of or thought of math. We cannot even imagine what a measurement of intelligence is by that animal's standards. By a lizard's standards, humans could be notably stupid. We cannot possibly be unbiased, we know no other way of thinking than the human ways.

Just as I cannot fathom Heaven so long as I'm living, I cannot fathom having another, non-human brain so long as I'm human. Here's to great mystery and great humility, which can't be separated, and to one warm thought blanket.

Guest Writer!

allora esploriamo!

god told them

there are desert sands

smooth and vast

with rolling dunes

and gentle slopes

there are mountains

tall and high

with crags and cliffs

and views that spread for miles

there are oceans and rivers and seas

there are lakes and streams and shores

there are skies that go forever

with lights that will guide your way

and darks that hint at mystery

there are creatures that fly and dive

and some that crawl and climb

and some that move like a flash

and some that steal your heart

there are plants that burst through the ground

and saturate all the colors

and wrap around your ankles

and scent the air you breathe

there are foods that spark every sense

some that enflame and comfort

and you can mix them and play with them

and share them

and there are people to love

more than you'll ever know

and different in every way

and what did the people say

– Karen Miller

Thank you mom! 💗