I. Don't. Want your blood money
Oh, that doesn't matter, our expenses are good
I. Don't. Need your blood money
But you might as well take it, we think that you should
Think of the things you could do with that money, choose any charity, give to the poor
We've noted your motives, we've noted your feelings, this isn't blood money, it's a fee- a fee nothing more
I know what you're thinking: three semesters into an art music major and she thinks it's normal for everyone to do hit-work on the side.
Again, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times, I'm "not a hitman", the rumors you're hearing "are false", and please let me back into the building I'm cold.
The bolded words up top are, as you may be aware, lyrics from the 1970 Webber/Rice rock opera Jesus Christ Superstar. I've had Carl Anderson's 1973 rendition of Damned for All Time/Blood Money from the show playing on a steady repeat all week. The song/scene illustrates Judas' initial refusal and hesitant acceptance of payment for agreeing to betray Jesus. Those lyrics, plus Carl Anderson's gripping delivery, speak to a broad sweeping tendency of humanhood, one that I couldn't even consolidate into one word.
Most literally, 'blood money' is payment for causing/aiding in harm. More generally, 'blood money' is material security at a rotten price. Most generally, 'blood money' is what you're not free from. Maybe you've found yourself in a literal hit-man situation that you'd like out of (best of luck), maybe you feel beholden to seeking material security in a way that you don't truly value, or maybe you're still trying to prove yourself, maybe you're a slave to the opinions of old naysayers or to your own self-doubt.
Whenever you act in service of material or abstract forces that don't give you joy or serve your sense of purpose, you're accepting blood money. Loosing weight to spite an ex? Blood money. Giving someone a "taste of their own medicine"? Blood money. Hauling around that grudge from high school? Blood money. Buying it to impress them? Blood money. "Success" at the price of happiness? Blood money. Staying quiet because of what they'll say/think? Blood money.
Your focus and energy are, objectively, invaluable. It's nothing short of heartbreaking, then, that we channel it towards purposes that aren't for our hearts, but for someone else's head.
If it's not for you, if your time could be better spent to your joy and purpose, chances are you're laboring for blood money. Blood money isn't worth your time or head space, but of course it isn't that easy.
It's impossible to believe, but true, that you don't need to prove yourself. You don't require any more beauty, wealth, prestige, or popularity to be as powerful, worthy, and important as everyone around you. You are worth infinitely more than blood money, you don't need it.
"I like you just the way you are" - Mr. Rogers
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arwTvFPvpBQ
